How I Met Your Mother
If you have read my previous (and only!) piece then you will know I am adopted.
My adopted mum is elderly (82) and after I moved in with her recently for a few weeks to look after her, it brought up some eye-opening facts for me that I was never aware of.
We were sat in the living room one night and I was discussing the very painful breakup of my long-term relationship. I was explaining to her that I had been seeing a therapist about it and it brought up many things in regards to my attachment style, which all stemmed from the childhood trauma of my adoption.
She was genuinely shocked to hear it and although doesn’t really come from the “share your feelings” generation listened empathetically as I explained my thought process and reasoning.
To cut a long story short I explained how I needed to see my birth and adoption records as a big piece of the puzzle (my beginnings) were missing. Like walking into a theatre and missing the first 5 minutes of a play or the first chapter of a book you are reading.
It was then she looked at me and said “You never asked me before and I always thought you were ok with your adoption?”. I explained that until recently I honestly thought I was ok with it for the last 50 years of my life. It was a big lie I told myself to shut people down when they asked about it. Because talking about your abandonment is incredibly painful. Note if anyone ever tells you they are adopted it has taken a lot for them to be that vulnerable and it doesn’t necessarily mean they wish to talk about it in great detail, please be mindful, and please don’t make your first question “oh do you want to meet your birth mother?”. It’s the only question I get asked and it drives me crazy. I get people are intrigued but start with something more gentle such as “how does that make you feel” or “how have you handled that over time”. Trust me on this!
Anyway, I digress. So digging deeper into that has revealed I am not ok with it at all!
That’s when mum opened up and said the words I will never forget “I met your mother”. My jaw hit the floor. She continued “She specifically asked to be present in court to give you to me. I don’t remember everything about it, but I do remember a very young girl with long brown hair who had made a real effort to dress you nicely and gave you a bracelet and a teddy bear (I still have them both) and as she handed over the most precious little girl in the world to me, with tears in her eyes she said please look after her for me”.
I was absolutely floored! I wish I had known that a lot sooner, it answered a lot of questions for me, and although it doesn’t make it any easier it answered the big question I had “was I loved or wanted? and helped fill in a big piece of the puzzle.
She told me a little more than she knew of my birth mother & father's background and those 10 minutes changed my life.
What have I learned from this? Never be afraid to ask a hard question that affects your own mental health for fear of hurting someone. I was terrified if I asked my adopted mum would think I didn’t love her or was rejecting her. And it couldn’t be further from the truth. Of all the conversations I have had with my adopted mother that has been the most important and the most precious.
